Why I Run

One evening very recently I drew a complete blank and could not for the life of me remember the name of the boy who was standing in front of me.  Talking to me.  It was my son.

Am I stressed?

I had the shopping list in my hand but still came home without some items.

Am I stressed?

I have woken up and had trouble, real trouble, remembering what day it is.

Am I stressed?

A friend of Mister Husbands called to the house.  I knew something significant had happened to him since Christmas.  I could not remember what it was.  I avoided him because I knew it would be expected of me to say something but I did not know what to say about something I could not remember. His mother had died.

Am I stressed?

I allowed my five year old non swimmer into the water without his armbands on.  I turned and walked back into the cubicle where the two smallest were waiting for me.  With the armbands.  Too late.  The five year old had to be hauled up out of the water by his older brother.

Am I stressed?

Another evening my chest was tight and I developed a maddening itch all over my body.  Everywhere.  I clawed at myself looking for relief.  As soon as the noise and the stress of the evening abated, the irritation disappeared.

Am I stressed?

One night I woke up in the boy’s bedroom.  I don’t remember leaving my own bed and walking across the hallway.  But I do remember thinking I heard someone crying.  No-one was.  I went back to bed.

Am I stressed? 

I went for a lie-down one Sunday afternoon and after an hour I heard Smallest Boy crying downstairs.  I bolted out of the bed, convinced it was Monday morning and we had slept in. It took me a few seconds to remember why I was dressed and that it was not Monday.

Am I stressed?

I was nervous driving.  To me, I was travelling in slow motion but the other traffic was moving too fast.  Way too fast.  Traffic lights seemed to appear out of the blue.  I saw things out of the corner of my eye that were not there.  Shadows and movements.

Am I stressed?

I think I am.  Or at least, I was.  I get bouts of this every now and again and I am at a loss as to what to do about it. 

A lovely friend confided that she feels like this sometimes too and we chatted about raging PMS And just getting older.  We laughed and wondered if maybe we should just suck it up. 

Well, I decided to say fuck that instead.

I questioned why I feel so badly in winter and not so badly during summer months.

For me, I feel it has a lot to do with the light and exercise.  There is a definite link there.  Dark mornings, short and stumpy, dull, grey days with early evenings, are not my friend.  I find it hard to exercise in the winter.  I am not a fan of jumping around in front of a DVD in a warm room.  I’ve done it because I have had to but give me fresh air and a half hour outside any day.   

Then I remembered someone asking me, out of the blue, some time back, why do I run?

This is what I told her.

“I run because it's amazing. It didn't start out like that. I did it for a shits and giggles thing, to see "if I could." And I did. The buzz I got that day when I completed my little 3.8k circuit without stopping is still with me. I run because when I don't, I feel like this. Shit! Depressed and stir crazy. It helps enormously with my winter blues and it really, truly makes me feel better. I feel energised and able to face the day and the kids! I should feel that it is also important my kids see me active and sporty, but to be honest, at the moment I don’t give a toss about that. I am doing it for me and the mental health benefits I reap. Initially I started walking to lose weight and running has become an extension of that. Three stone down and still going. I've another 9lbs or so to reach my very pre pregnancy weight of 9.5 stone. The 5k thing, as in a race, gives me something to train for. This year I would like to complete a 10k circuit. I got to 7k last year and hit a wall. But I am determined to get there this year.”

It is now the end of February and it is bright up to and after 6pm of an evening.  The mornings are awake at 7am; birds are singing and there is blessed light.

This last week alone I have been out running five times.  Usually I manage the weekends only.  And a lovely, lovely bonus is I am now bringing Juno with me.

I get the hand licked off me as we run, side by side and thanked in full when we get home. 

If anyone has any tips on how to get her to stop humping me, I would appreciate it!!!!

Dear Reader, running rocks.  It just does.  Try it.  #notsostressedanymore